An overview – what makes a thriving parent-child relationship

Thriving parent-child relationships are important because they can help children feel loved, supported, and secure. This can lead to better emotional regulation and social skills, which can help children navigate relationships and challenging situations throughout their lives. There are several factors that contribute to a thriving parent-child relationship:

Key Factors of a thriving Parent-Child Relationship	Examples of how it can not work	Ways to improve
Positive communication	Ignoring or dismissing a child’s thoughts or feelings; talking down to a child	Practice active listening; use positive language; show empathy towards the child
Mutual respect	Disrespecting a child’s boundaries or personal space; not taking a child’s input into consideration	Model respectful behavior; give the child opportunities to make choices and decisions
Clear expectations and boundaries	Setting unrealistic expectations; not following through with consequences	Set clear and realistic expectations; consistently enforce boundaries and consequences
Emotional support	Not being available or responsive to a child’s emotional needs; invalidating a child’s feelings	Show empathy and emotional support; validate the child’s feelings and experiences
Positive reinforcement	Only providing negative feedback or criticism; failing to acknowledge positive behaviors	Use positive language to reinforce good behavior; provide praise and rewards for positive actions

What is Positive Parenting Program (Triple P)

Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) is a parent education and support program designed to promote positive, caring relationships between parents and their children. It is a system of interventions and resources that can be tailored to meet the specific needs of families, and it aims to equip parents with the skills and confidence they need to raise healthy, happy, and well-adjusted children.

Here are the three key principles of Triple P:

1. Promote positive relationships: Building strong, positive relationships with children is essential for their healthy development. Positive relationships are built through attentive listening, positive communication, and spending quality time with your child.
2. Use positive reinforcement: Reinforcing positive behavior is more effective than punishing negative behavior. Praising your child for positive behaviors and setting clear expectations and boundaries can help prevent negative behavior and promote positive behavior.
3. Provide a supportive environment: Creating a supportive environment for your child involves using clear and consistent discipline, being attentive to your child’s needs, and providing opportunities for learning and growth. By creating a supportive environment, you can promote your child’s healthy development and build a positive relationship with them.

The program is evidence-based, and research has shown that it can be effective in improving parent-child relationships, reducing child behavior problems, and promoting children’s social, emotional, and behavioral development. Triple P is widely available in many countries and can be delivered through a range of formats, including group workshops, individual coaching, online programs, and self-help resources.

How to incorporate Triple P when spending time with children

Incorporating Triple P principles into quality time with children can be a powerful way to build positive relationships and support children’s healthy development. Here are some ways to do it:

1. Be present: When spending quality time with your child, focus on being fully present and attentive to their needs. Avoid distractions such as phones, computers, or other activities that might take your attention away from your child.
2. Use positive communication: Communicate with your child in a positive, respectful, and supportive manner. Use active listening skills to understand your child’s perspective and respond with empathy and encouragement.
3. Use positive reinforcement: When your child engages in positive behaviors, provide specific, positive feedback to reinforce their behavior. This will encourage them to repeat the behavior in the future.
4. Set clear expectations: Establish clear boundaries and expectations for behavior during quality time with your child. This will help your child feel secure and know what is expected of them.
5. Use teachable moments: Look for opportunities to turn everyday experiences into teachable moments. For example, if your child makes a mistake, use the opportunity to teach them about learning from mistakes and building resilience.
6. Spend time doing activities your child enjoys: Engage in activities that your child enjoys and that provide opportunities for positive interaction and learning. This can include activities such as reading, playing games, doing crafts, or playing sports.

By using positive communication, reinforcement, and setting clear expectations, you can create a positive and supportive environment for your child to learn and grow.

Your children’s emotion and the Iceberg

Parents may face a variety of problems when it comes to dealing with the emotions of their children. Children may struggle with expressing their emotions in a healthy way, leading to behavioral problems and conflicts within the family. Parents may also find it difficult to understand their children’s emotions and may struggle with knowing how to respond in a supportive and effective way. This can be especially challenging for parents of children with special needs or developmental challenges. However, by learning effective strategies for managing emotions and building positive relationships, parents can create a supportive and nurturing environment for their children to grow and thrive.

The Satir Iceberg model is a helpful tool for understanding and addressing the underlying emotions that may be driving a child’s behavior. The model suggests that behavior is only the tip of the iceberg, with deeper emotions and needs lying beneath the surface.

Here is a table outlining the Satir Iceberg model (simplified version), with examples for each level:

Level of the Iceberg	Description	Examples
Actions/Behaviors	The visible actions and behaviors that a child displays, such as temper tantrums or disobedience.	Throwing toys, hitting others, refusing to eat, talking back, breaking rules.
Feelings	The emotions that a child is experiencing, such as anger, frustration, or sadness.	Feeling angry or upset about a perceived injustice, feeling sad or lonely, feeling frustrated with a task or situation.
Underlying Needs	The deeper needs that a child has, such as a need for attention, love, or security.	Needing attention from a parent or caregiver, needing reassurance and comfort during times of stress, needing a sense of stability and security.
Identity	The core sense of self that a child has, which may be influenced by their experiences, relationships, and environment.	Feeling insecure or unsure of oneself, feeling that one’s needs are not being met or that one is not valued or understood.

By using the Satir Iceberg model, parents can learn to identify and address the root causes of their child’s behavior, rather than just treating the symptoms. For example, if a child is acting out or displaying challenging behavior, a parent can use the model to explore the deeper emotions and needs that may be driving the behavior. By addressing these underlying emotions and needs, parents can help their child to develop healthy coping mechanisms and improve their emotional wellbeing.

Additionally, by understanding the emotions and needs that underlie a child’s behavior, parents can communicate in a more empathetic and supportive way, helping their child to feel heard and understood.

The (emotional) temperature reading

Satir temperature reading is a communication technique developed also by Virginia Satir (a family therapist), to help individuals express their feelings and emotions in a clear and direct way. It involves checking in with oneself and identifying the current emotional state on a scale of 0-10, with 0 being completely unemotional and 10 being highly emotional.

The Satir temperature reading technique is intended to promote self-awareness and effective communication, as individuals can better communicate their feelings and needs to others when they have a clear understanding of their emotional state.

Here are the steps to use the Satir temperature reading technique:

1. Pause and take a moment to check in with yourself. Identify the emotions and feelings you are currently experiencing.
2. Rate your emotional state on a scale of 0-10, with 0 being completely unemotional and 10 being highly emotional. Be honest with yourself and choose a number that accurately reflects your emotional state.
3. Express your emotional state to the other person or people involved in the communication. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling about a 7 right now.”
4. Share additional information about your emotional state if appropriate. For example, you might say, “I’m feeling frustrated because I don’t feel like my needs are being heard.”
5. Use the information about your emotional state to guide your communication. For example, you might choose to take a break from the conversation to calm down if you are feeling highly emotional, or you might choose to approach the conversation in a more gentle and understanding way if the other person is feeling upset.

Make it a habit to connect to the emotions of your child

Here are some steps for incorporating the Satir temperature reading into a routine for parenting:

1. Introduce the Satir temperature reading to your children and explain what it means. You can use age-appropriate language and give examples of how it can be used in different situations.
2. Practice using the Satir temperature reading during moments of conflict or strong emotions. For example, when your child is upset or frustrated, encourage them to take a moment to identify and express their emotions using the temperature reading.
3. Use the Satir temperature reading regularly as part of your communication with your children. For example, you might check in with them each day to see how they are feeling, or use it during family meetings or conversations.
4. Model the use of the Satir temperature reading for your children. When you are feeling emotional or upset, take a moment to check in with yourself and express your emotions using the temperature reading. This can help your children to see the value of this technique and to feel more comfortable using it themselves.

To make it habit, consider setting out small chunks of time for the below:

1. Saturday Night Check-in: Set aside 15 minutes each Saturday night to talk with your child one-on-one. Use this time to check in with them about their emotions, any concerns or worries they may have, and any positive experiences they have had during the week. Encourage them to express themselves using the Satir temperature reading, and be sure to use it yourself when appropriate. This can help your child feel heard and supported, and can also help you understand them better.
2. Daily Check-in: When your child comes home from school each day, take five minutes to casually check in with them about how their day went. Ask open-ended questions and encourage them to express themselves using the Satir temperature reading. This can help them feel supported and connected to you, and can also help you stay informed about any issues they may be facing at school.

An Atomic habit

To help you stick to the habit, some tips from the book “Atomic Habits” can be helpful:

1. Start small: Begin by setting a specific time for the Daily Check-in and gradually increasing the time as it becomes a habit. For the Saturday Night Check-in, start with just 5-10 minutes and gradually increase the time as well.
2. Create a routine: Establish a consistent routine for the check-ins, such as always doing the Daily Check-in right after your child comes home from school or doing the Saturday Night Check-in before bedtime. This will help establish the habit and make it easier to remember to do.
3. Make it visible: Post a reminder or note in a visible place, such as on the fridge or a calendar, to remind yourself to do the check-ins.
4. Pair it with an existing habit: Tie the check-ins to an existing habit or routine, such as having dinner, to make it easier to remember to do.
5. Celebrate progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress as you establish the habit. This can include praising yourself for remembering to do the check-ins or rewarding yourself with something you enjoy.

Make it better with mindfulness

Here are five simplified steps for incorporating mindfulness with Satir Temperature reading in parenting:

1. Find a quiet and comfortable space where you and your child can sit together and talk.
2. Ask your child to identify their current emotional state using the Satir Temperature reading and encourage them to describe any physical sensations they may be experiencing.
3. Guide your child in taking a few slow, deep breaths to help them become present and centered.
4. Ask your child to describe any thoughts or feelings that may be present in their mind without judgment.
5. Use active listening skills to show your child that you are fully present and engaged in the conversation, and encourage them to express themselves fully.

Wheel of emotions

The wheel of emotions is a tool used to understand and identify different emotions. It was developed by psychologist Robert Plutchik and consists of eight primary emotions arranged in a circle, with varying degrees of intensity in between.

By using the wheel, children can learn to identify and label their emotions, which can help them communicate their feelings more effectively and develop healthy coping mechanisms. For parents, the wheel can provide a framework for understanding and responding to their children’s emotions in a supportive and empathetic way.

Character strengths

The concept of character strengths can be applied in positive parenting as a way to promote the positive development of children’s character traits and personal qualities. Positive psychology research has identified 24 character strengths that are universal and valued across cultures, such as kindness, gratitude, creativity, bravery, and curiosity. Here are some ways that parents can apply the concept in positive parenting:

1. Identify and nurture your child’s character strengths: Observe your child’s behavior and identify their natural strengths and talents. Once you have identified their strengths, find ways to nurture and reinforce them. For example, if your child shows a love for nature, encourage them to explore and learn more about it.
2. Model character strengths: Parents can model the character strengths they want their children to develop. For instance, if you want your child to be more resilient, you can model resilience by sharing stories of how you have overcome challenges in your own life.
3. Use character strengths to promote positive behavior: Parents can use character strengths to reinforce positive behavior. For example, if your child shows kindness to a sibling, you can praise them for their kindness and explain how important it is to be kind.
4. Encourage growth mindset: Help your child develop a growth mindset by encouraging them to see challenges as opportunities for growth and development. Encourage them to use their character strengths to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals.
5. Foster positive relationships: Positive parenting is not just about the relationship between parent and child, but also about promoting positive relationships with others. Parents can encourage their children to use their character strengths to build positive relationships with peers, teachers, and family members.

Growth mindset

Growth mindset is an approach to parenting that emphasizes the importance of effort, perseverance, and learning from mistakes.

• It is the understanding that mistakes are opportunities for growth and learning, and that challenges should be embraced rather than avoided.
• By promoting a growth mindset in their children, parents can foster a love of learning and encourage a sense of resilience and determination.
• Parents can help their children develop a growth mindset by praising their effort and persistence rather than their innate abilities, modeling a growth mindset themselves, and reframing challenges as opportunities for growth.

The Rosenberg experiment was conducted in the 1960s and aimed to investigate how positive and negative feedback affects children’s self-esteem. In the experiment, children were given one of two types of feedback: one that praised their ability, and the other that praised their effort. The results showed that children who received feedback that praised their effort were more likely to have a growth mindset, as they believed that their abilities could be developed through hard work and persistence. On the other hand, children who received feedback that praised their ability were more likely to have a fixed mindset, as they believed that their abilities were innate and could not be changed.

The Rosenberg experiment showed that praising effort over ability led to a growth mindset in children, leading to improved performance and a greater willingness to take on challenges. By encouraging children to focus on the process of learning rather than innate abilities, parents can foster a growth mindset in their children and help them develop the resilience and motivation needed to achieve their goals.

3 game ideas that can encourage growth mindset in children:

1. The Mistake Game: This game is designed to help children see that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growth. You can start by sharing a story about a mistake you made and what you learned from it. Then, challenge your child to find mistakes in a game or activity and celebrate each mistake as an opportunity to learn and improve.
2. The Growth Mindset Scavenger Hunt: This game is designed to help children identify growth mindset traits in themselves and others. Create a list of growth mindset traits such as “perseverance,” “curiosity,” and “resilience,” and challenge your child to find examples of these traits in their daily life. You can reward your child with points or prizes for each trait they identify.
3. The Positive Self-Talk Game: This game is designed to help children develop positive self-talk and overcome negative self-talk. Start by writing negative self-talk statements such as “I’m not good at math” or “I’ll never learn to play this game.” Then, challenge your child to come up with positive self-talk statements to counteract the negative self-talk. You can make this into a fun competition by seeing who can come up with the most positive self-talk statements.

By making these games fun and interactive, children are more likely to engage with the concept of growth mindset and apply it in their daily lives.

Game 1: The Mistake Game

Objective: To help children see that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growth.

Instructions:

1. Explain to your child that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growth.
2. Share a story about a mistake you made and what you learned from it.
3. Challenge your child to find mistakes in a game or activity.
4. Celebrate each mistake as an opportunity to learn and improve.
5. Discuss what your child learned from the mistakes they made.

Rules:

1. Each player must find at least one mistake in the game or activity.
2. Mistakes must be celebrated as opportunities to learn and improve.
3. The game continues until each player has found a mistake.

Game 2: The Growth Mindset Scavenger Hunt

Objective: To help children identify growth mindset traits in themselves and others.

Instructions:

1. Create a list of growth mindset traits such as “perseverance,” “curiosity,” and “resilience.”
2. Challenge your child to find examples of these traits in their daily life.
3. Reward your child with points or prizes for each trait they identify.

Rules:

1. Each player must find at least three examples of growth mindset traits.
2. Points or prizes are awarded for each example of a growth mindset trait.
3. The game continues until each player has found three examples of growth mindset traits.

Game 3: The Positive Self-Talk Game

Objective: To help children develop positive self-talk and overcome negative self-talk.

Instructions:

1. Write negative self-talk statements such as “I’m not good at math” or “I’ll never learn to play this game.”
2. Challenge your child to come up with positive self-talk statements to counteract the negative self-talk.
3. Make it into a fun competition by seeing who can come up with the most positive self-talk statements.

Rules:

1. Each player must come up with at least three positive self-talk statements to counteract the negative self-talk.
2. Points or prizes are awarded for each positive self-talk statement.
3. The game continues until each player has come up with three positive self-talk statements.

Note: It’s important to emphasize the positive aspects of the game, rather than focusing on winning or losing. Encourage your child to have fun and enjoy the process of learning and growth.

Descriptive praise is important

Descriptive praise is a technique used in positive parenting to encourage good behavior in children. It involves providing specific and genuine feedback that describes the positive behavior, effort or quality that a child has demonstrated. Descriptive praise helps children to understand what behavior is expected of them and helps them develop positive self-esteem and motivation.

Descriptive praise is important because it reinforces good behavior and helps build positive relationships between parents and children. It encourages children to repeat the behavior, and motivates them to engage in positive behaviors that are appreciated by their parents. In contrast to vague or general praise, descriptive praise is more effective because it is specific and directly linked to the behavior.

Here are some examples of descriptive praise:

1. “Great job, you used your words to explain your feelings instead of hitting your brother. You’re really becoming a great problem solver.”
2. “I really appreciate how you took the time to clean up your room without being asked. You are showing great responsibility.”
3. “Wow, you put in a lot of effort on that art project. You’re really creative and you have a great eye for detail.”
4. “I’m so proud of you for being so brave at your music recital. You practiced so hard and it really paid off. You’re a true performer!”

Facing their limitations

Children can learn to set realistic goals for themselves and better understand their own limitations, which can help reduce anxiety and increase their sense of self-awareness.

Here’s an example role-playing game to help children understand their limitations:

Title: “Challenge Time”

Objective: To help children understand their limitations and learn to set realistic goals.

Materials:

• A timer or stopwatch
• A list of age-appropriate activities or challenges
• A list of limitations for each child (determined ahead of time by parents or guardians)

Instructions:

1. Sit down with your child and explain that you will be playing a game to help them understand their limitations.
2. Review the list of activities or challenges together, and choose one to start with.
3. Explain the rules: the child has a set amount of time to complete the activity, but they must also take into account their limitations.
4. Set the timer for the allotted time and let the child begin.
5. Encourage the child to take breaks if they need to, and remind them of their limitations if necessary.
6. When time is up, discuss with the child how they felt during the activity and if they felt their limitations played a role.
7. Choose another activity and repeat the process, gradually increasing the difficulty as the child becomes more comfortable with the concept.

A sample conversation to explain this to the child:

Parent: Hey, sweetie, can we talk for a few minutes about setting goals for yourself?

Child: Sure, Mom/Dad.

Parent: So, you know how sometimes we want to do things that seem really hard or impossible? Like maybe learning a new sport or getting better at math? That is just as what we have done for the game.

Child: Yeah, I remember feeling that way about soccer last season.

Parent: Exactly. Sometimes it’s tough to know how to set a goal that’s just the right amount of challenge. That’s why it’s important to set realistic goals for ourselves.

Child: What does that mean?

Parent: It means setting a goal that we can achieve with some hard work and practice, but that’s not so hard that we’re likely to get discouraged or give up.

Child: Oh, I get it.

Parent: And it’s also important to understand our own limitations. That means knowing what we’re good at and what we might need some help with. It’s okay if there are some things that are just really hard for us to do.

Child: Like math?

Parent: Exactly. Some people are really good at math and love it, while others find it challenging. It doesn’t mean you’re not smart or capable, it just means you might need some extra practice or help to get better at it.

Child: Okay, so how do I set realistic goals for myself?

Parent: Well, we can start by thinking about something you want to achieve. It could be anything, like reading a certain number of books or learning a new skill. Then we can work together to break it down into smaller steps and make a plan for how you can practice and work towards that goal.

Child: Sounds good, let’s do it!

Parent: Great, I’m proud of you for being willing to work hard and set goals for yourself. Remember, it’s okay to take things one step at a time and ask for help when you need it.

We appreciate the stress as parents

Parents of children with special educational needs (SEN) often face unique stressors and challenges that can be overwhelming. These stressors can include:

1. Financial strain from the costs of specialized equipment, therapy, and other services.
2. Social isolation from difficulty finding appropriate support networks and resources.
3. Emotional exhaustion from constantly advocating for their child’s needs and managing their care.
4. Discrimination and stigma from society, which can exacerbate stress and anxiety.
5. Strained relationships with partners and loved ones due to the demands of caring for a child with SEN.
6. Difficulty maintaining other aspects of life, such as work and self-care, due to the demands of caregiving.

These stressors can have a significant impact on a parent’s mental and emotional well-being, and it is important for parents to seek out specialized support and resources to effectively manage these challenges.

Your mobile phone can help

Here are some mobile apps that can be helpful for parents looking to incorporate mindfulness and positive parenting techniques:

1. Headspace: This app offers guided meditations and mindfulness exercises that can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being.
2. Calm: Another popular mindfulness app, Calm offers a variety of meditation exercises and sleep stories to help users relax and unwind.
3. Parenting Hero: This app provides tips and advice for positive parenting, as well as tools for managing difficult behaviors and building strong relationships with children.
4. Mindful Powers: Designed for children, this app offers fun and engaging mindfulness exercises that can help build resilience and emotional intelligence.
5. Smiling Mind: This app offers guided meditations and mindfulness exercises for both children and adults, designed to help reduce stress and improve well-being.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)

The Default Mode Network (DMN) is a neural network in the brain that is active when we are not focused on the outside world and instead, our mind wanders to thoughts about ourselves, our past experiences, and our future plans. While this network is important for self-reflection and introspection, excessive activity in the DMN has been linked to increased stress, anxiety, and negative self-talk.

On the other hand, the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) is responsible for executive functions such as decision-making, problem-solving, and attention control. By practicing mindfulness, we can strengthen the connection between the PFC and other brain regions, which can help us to better regulate our emotions and reduce the negative impact of DMN on our lives.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) can be a useful tool for parents of children with special educational needs (SEN) to manage the stress and emotional exhaustion that often accompany caregiving. Here are some ways MBSR can be used to help:

1. Develop awareness: MBSR can help parents develop awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations in the present moment, allowing them to more effectively manage stress and anxiety as they arise.
2. Cultivate compassion: MBSR can help parents cultivate a sense of compassion towards themselves and their child, reducing feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy that may arise from the challenges of caregiving.
3. Build resilience: MBSR can help parents develop resilience and coping skills to better manage the emotional and physical demands of caregiving.
4. Improve relationships: MBSR can improve communication and connection within families, helping parents and their children with SEN build stronger relationships and navigate challenges more effectively.
5. Improve overall well-being: MBSR can promote overall well-being and reduce the negative effects of stress on physical health, mental health, and relationships.

Narrative-based gratitude

Narrative-based gratitude involves reflecting on experiences for which you are thankful and telling a story about them. Here are some steps to using narrative-based gratitude to help reduce anxiety:

1. Set aside time each day to reflect on experiences for which you are thankful. It could be as simple as spending a few minutes each evening before bed to think about the positive things that happened during the day.
2. Write down the experience or experiences that you are thankful for. Be as detailed as possible, and focus on the emotions you felt during the experience.
3. Create a narrative or story about the experience, using descriptive language to bring it to life. Focus on the positive emotions and feelings you experienced, and how the experience impacted your life.
4. Practice telling the story out loud, either to yourself or to someone else. Pay attention to the emotions that come up as you tell the story, and try to savor the positive feelings.
5. Repeat the process daily or as often as you like, focusing on different experiences each time. Over time, you may find that reflecting on the positive experiences in your life helps to reduce feelings of anxiety and stress.

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